How to Troll a Middle Eastern Magazine

This notification was recently emailed to journalism students at Strathclyde University.  I think there's a few things misguided here...  I interpreted the notice as satirical so I responded accordingly.

Hi my name is Gemma Emmerson and I am deputy editor of a magazine and website called Perfect Fit. We have an exciting opportunity for journalism students to get their work published and start to build up their portfolio.

I am looking for articles that are suitable for the modern Middle Eastern male aged 18-40 who likes to eat healthily, work out, look good and spend money! Perfect Fit is published in Kuwait but the website www.perfectfitmagazine.com is available worldwide, and it is online content that I am looking for.

We do not pay for online articles however if I like one of your articles enough and I want it to go in the magazine then I will pay for the contribution. This is the second year we have contacted unis for student contributions. Last year, a student named Danyal Khan got in touch with me and after many free contributions (his work ethic and quality of writing really impressed him) I offered him regular paid work to supply us with sports news for the website; you can see all of his articles online. As a journalism student though, the opportunity to get your work published online is  great incentive; I consider ALL WORK and the more you write, the more we publish; there is no limit to the amount of articles I can put onto the website. A few house rules…

Culturally, this is a masculine, men only magazine. Alcohol is illegal in Kuwait so please no ‘hangover workouts’ or anything like that. Homosexuality is also forbidden (not our personal view of course) but it means we cannot have any ‘gay guy’s gym guide’. Also please no female references, Kuwait is one of the most liberal of the Middle Eastern countries but gyms are still separated by gender so no ‘boyfriend/girlfriend training sessions’, or ‘what she says vs. what she means’ features and definitely no sex tips!

Finally, if you are writing training/workout guides (this is the biggest section of the magazine) please remember that in Kuwait it can often be over 40-degrees outside. There will be no ‘getting off the bus a stop earlier’ or outdoor bootcamps, it is simply too hot. Kuwaitis go to the gym or the mall to shop, eat and watch movies and that’s it! Nearly everything is done indoors where it is cool. As I mentioned before, the main pursuit in the gym is heavy weights so anything to do with that is very welcomed - body building clothes/supplements/eat to gain etc, although we are starting to diversify our training content to include CrossFit, calisthenics, MMA and similar pursuits.

In terms of what we are expecting for the website - keep it short and snappy. Articles of around 250 words are perfect. You don’t need to do weeks of research or lengthy interviews or vox pops, a good place to start is to google ‘weight loss research 2015’ and look at stories that you can rewrite, for example ‘EXERCISE DOESN’T WORK’ New research from a study in Australia shows that exercise is useless and eating biscuits is the only sure-fire way to get ripped, or ‘KUWAIT OVERTAKES USA IN OBESITY’ or ’20 BANANAS A DAY CURES MALE BALDNESS’ etc. Also Kuwaitis love American culture and movie stars, so ’10 MOVES TO GET JACKED LIKE JACKMAN’ to ‘THOR-THE CHRIS HEMSWORTH WORKOUT’ ’10 FAVOURITE CELEBRITY VACATIONS’ or ‘JAY-Z’s WATCHES’, you get the idea?

The sections we split stories into are:
WARM UP

TRAIN

FUEL

LIVE (features)

STYLE

COOL DOWNYou don’t have to tell us which section you think your story will go into, we will do that, it’s just to give you a guide.We are expecting quite a fast turnaround with website articles, links will also be posted on Facebook and Twitter so this is a really good opportunity to practice fast research and copywriting - particularly if you’re interested in magazine journalism - the faster you can churn out a sharp, snappy page of copy the better your chances of working on a magazine. We are aiming for at least one fresh article a day on the website but my ultimate goal is three. As you get into the habit of turning out a quick 250 words article, it’ll be almost robotic, it is a really good writing exercise!You can visit the website at www.perfectfitmagazine.com or see the online versions of the magazine at www.issuu.com I hope to hear from you soon! Gemma

Dear Ms Emmerson,

My name is Christopher Park and I am a fourth year english student at the University of Strathclyde.  I received a notification of your exciting opportunity to submit for Perfect Fit magazine in Kuwait - and I read it with much gusto!  Therefore I have a few ideas I would like to pitch – if you would be so kind to read on. 

The prohibition laws on alcohol are extremely unfortunate, not like the UK at all; indeed, I wonder how any person from a liberal democracy could possibly find any shared interest or value and pen it for this magazine - ! But, as they say in the Middle East: when life gives you lemons, make vodka lemonade.  So to turn those frowns around I think an article entitled “How ‘ae ‘ave a Cheeky Wee Bevy oan the Sly” would be helpful in bridging those trivial cultural differences!

Also, you pointed out weight lifting as a specific area of interest for Kuwaiti men: “How to Bench Like a Jihadist” would be a more comical piece.

Now, I know you said “please no female references”, but given the Kuwaiti fetish for all things American, I was thinking we could basically just plaster the magazine with that photo of Lady Gaga that makes her look like she has a penis?

And finally, “How to Run Away from your Homosexuality”, would be an advice column for the… running aficionado.  I think you’ll have to decide what section that goes in. 

There will be no qualms with any of these ideas because, as you said yourself, Kuwait is a liberal utopia.  Moreover, I’ll make sure all the articles are short and snappy and are based on no credible modes of journalism.  As you eloquently suggested, the best way to practice journalism is to plagiarise online articles; rest assured, all of my ideas are completely unoriginal.

Unfortunately, given the superlative quality of my ideas, I demand payment.  This can be negotiated, of course, and I am willing to settle at one camel for the lot. 

I look forward to hearing from you.

All the best,
Christopher.