2016, That's All.

2016 has been unique.  So unique it has become an adjective: representing the shocking and the unexpected, often leaving us worried; sometimes leaving us fearful. Of course, depending on your general view of things, maybe 2016 has been the best year yet…  But it has found ways to keep us on our toes, I’ll give it that.

This past year has seen obvious political phenomena that has had massive implications resonating across the whole world.  But, more generally, this year has heralded a feeling of chaos and confusion as institutions and ideas that once seemed so safe, self-assured, and untouchable have collapsed before us.  The rise of anti-establishment decisiveness has been awe-inspiring if a little worrying.  Maybe it’s all just overhyped, or maybe it’s just the media playing tricks on us; whatever it is, the past 12 months have certainly left many with a feeling that this year has been a turning point.  There’s nowhere to go now but forward.

For me personally, 2016 couldn’t have come at a worst time.  Leaving university has thrown the structure of my life into disarray: I am now a personified version of the anxiety associated with this past year. 

At university, I was absorbed in genial campus life: a collected identity of learning and belonging, long drunken summers working, and the sanctuary of the library (that’s probably just me).   But this year it ended.  It happened slowly and then all at once.  After a long summer the bubble burst and the autumn rains cleansed me of relaxation (and money) and I realised that this would be tough.  I had expected the expected, but was still somehow left in shock when I realised my undergraduate moments were now memories.  What’s more, is that my future is about as predictable as… well, it’s about as easy to predict as this past year was. 

We definitely need a new phrase for this time of year other than ‘Happy New Year’; I think ‘good luck for the New Year’ has the right undertones.  2017 has begun with fireworks and gunshots – the sequel to a bittersweet year commences and the narrative continues.

But look, this hasn’t been a total disaster from start to finish.  It's been a fantastic year for sport, for one thing; and I'm sure other great things happened this year that I just can't think of off the top of my head - Game of Thrones season 6 was insane, simple pleasures.

For me, I achieved exactly what I wanted at university and felt, at least for a day, unstoppable.  I had a wonderful summer of reading and travelling and relaxing and drinking - generally doing the carefree things I wanted.  

Nonetheless I am pissed off when I think about how naïve 2016 has left me feeling.  So I’m going to make sure 2017 doesn’t catch me out.  I’m not making resolutions or promises, and I’m certainly not investing in hope or optimism; I will simply do my best to welcome in the New Year with an open mind. 

How to Troll a Middle Eastern Magazine

This notification was recently emailed to journalism students at Strathclyde University.  I think there's a few things misguided here...  I interpreted the notice as satirical so I responded accordingly.

Hi my name is Gemma Emmerson and I am deputy editor of a magazine and website called Perfect Fit. We have an exciting opportunity for journalism students to get their work published and start to build up their portfolio.

I am looking for articles that are suitable for the modern Middle Eastern male aged 18-40 who likes to eat healthily, work out, look good and spend money! Perfect Fit is published in Kuwait but the website www.perfectfitmagazine.com is available worldwide, and it is online content that I am looking for.

We do not pay for online articles however if I like one of your articles enough and I want it to go in the magazine then I will pay for the contribution. This is the second year we have contacted unis for student contributions. Last year, a student named Danyal Khan got in touch with me and after many free contributions (his work ethic and quality of writing really impressed him) I offered him regular paid work to supply us with sports news for the website; you can see all of his articles online. As a journalism student though, the opportunity to get your work published online is  great incentive; I consider ALL WORK and the more you write, the more we publish; there is no limit to the amount of articles I can put onto the website. A few house rules…

Culturally, this is a masculine, men only magazine. Alcohol is illegal in Kuwait so please no ‘hangover workouts’ or anything like that. Homosexuality is also forbidden (not our personal view of course) but it means we cannot have any ‘gay guy’s gym guide’. Also please no female references, Kuwait is one of the most liberal of the Middle Eastern countries but gyms are still separated by gender so no ‘boyfriend/girlfriend training sessions’, or ‘what she says vs. what she means’ features and definitely no sex tips!

Finally, if you are writing training/workout guides (this is the biggest section of the magazine) please remember that in Kuwait it can often be over 40-degrees outside. There will be no ‘getting off the bus a stop earlier’ or outdoor bootcamps, it is simply too hot. Kuwaitis go to the gym or the mall to shop, eat and watch movies and that’s it! Nearly everything is done indoors where it is cool. As I mentioned before, the main pursuit in the gym is heavy weights so anything to do with that is very welcomed - body building clothes/supplements/eat to gain etc, although we are starting to diversify our training content to include CrossFit, calisthenics, MMA and similar pursuits.

In terms of what we are expecting for the website - keep it short and snappy. Articles of around 250 words are perfect. You don’t need to do weeks of research or lengthy interviews or vox pops, a good place to start is to google ‘weight loss research 2015’ and look at stories that you can rewrite, for example ‘EXERCISE DOESN’T WORK’ New research from a study in Australia shows that exercise is useless and eating biscuits is the only sure-fire way to get ripped, or ‘KUWAIT OVERTAKES USA IN OBESITY’ or ’20 BANANAS A DAY CURES MALE BALDNESS’ etc. Also Kuwaitis love American culture and movie stars, so ’10 MOVES TO GET JACKED LIKE JACKMAN’ to ‘THOR-THE CHRIS HEMSWORTH WORKOUT’ ’10 FAVOURITE CELEBRITY VACATIONS’ or ‘JAY-Z’s WATCHES’, you get the idea?

The sections we split stories into are:
WARM UP

TRAIN

FUEL

LIVE (features)

STYLE

COOL DOWNYou don’t have to tell us which section you think your story will go into, we will do that, it’s just to give you a guide.We are expecting quite a fast turnaround with website articles, links will also be posted on Facebook and Twitter so this is a really good opportunity to practice fast research and copywriting - particularly if you’re interested in magazine journalism - the faster you can churn out a sharp, snappy page of copy the better your chances of working on a magazine. We are aiming for at least one fresh article a day on the website but my ultimate goal is three. As you get into the habit of turning out a quick 250 words article, it’ll be almost robotic, it is a really good writing exercise!You can visit the website at www.perfectfitmagazine.com or see the online versions of the magazine at www.issuu.com I hope to hear from you soon! Gemma

Dear Ms Emmerson,

My name is Christopher Park and I am a fourth year english student at the University of Strathclyde.  I received a notification of your exciting opportunity to submit for Perfect Fit magazine in Kuwait - and I read it with much gusto!  Therefore I have a few ideas I would like to pitch – if you would be so kind to read on. 

The prohibition laws on alcohol are extremely unfortunate, not like the UK at all; indeed, I wonder how any person from a liberal democracy could possibly find any shared interest or value and pen it for this magazine - ! But, as they say in the Middle East: when life gives you lemons, make vodka lemonade.  So to turn those frowns around I think an article entitled “How ‘ae ‘ave a Cheeky Wee Bevy oan the Sly” would be helpful in bridging those trivial cultural differences!

Also, you pointed out weight lifting as a specific area of interest for Kuwaiti men: “How to Bench Like a Jihadist” would be a more comical piece.

Now, I know you said “please no female references”, but given the Kuwaiti fetish for all things American, I was thinking we could basically just plaster the magazine with that photo of Lady Gaga that makes her look like she has a penis?

And finally, “How to Run Away from your Homosexuality”, would be an advice column for the… running aficionado.  I think you’ll have to decide what section that goes in. 

There will be no qualms with any of these ideas because, as you said yourself, Kuwait is a liberal utopia.  Moreover, I’ll make sure all the articles are short and snappy and are based on no credible modes of journalism.  As you eloquently suggested, the best way to practice journalism is to plagiarise online articles; rest assured, all of my ideas are completely unoriginal.

Unfortunately, given the superlative quality of my ideas, I demand payment.  This can be negotiated, of course, and I am willing to settle at one camel for the lot. 

I look forward to hearing from you.

All the best,
Christopher.     

   

Giving the Power and Freedom of Education Back to the Student

At the end of an english lecture I suddenly zoned in for a change when the words of the lecturer caught my ear.  She told us, the students, that we could send her feedback on the provisional essay questions that she had set for the assignment worth 40% of our mark for this semester.  I couldn’t quite believe it, there were gasps from the audience: for once we actually had a say on important work that is part of the assessment.  Ok, so there weren’t actually gasps; more like sighs of relief that the lecture had finished – nobody seemed to be as struck as I was at our new found power.

     Upon leaving the lecture theatre I hit the library to see the provisional questions the lecturer had uploaded and immediately I spotted things that I found problematic or confusing.

     It was great for the tables to be turned and for me to be able to mark the work of my superior.  Exams and assignments are always things that we seem take for granted: inevitable, unchangeable, just plain awful – and it’s true.  That’s what they’re like, it’s always been that way (sometimes good, sometimes bad) and no one can change that.  But it was liberating to participate and contribute to my education for once – I have never had an opportunity like that before and I don’t think another will come up soon.  I felt as if the outcome of my studying was in my own hands, where it belongs, and no longer decided by devious essay questions that they haven’t changed for about 20 years.

     I sent my comments away (generally things like be more specific here, clarify what this means or consider rewording this) with a word of caution that I wasn’t trying to sound like I knew better or that my suggestions were infallible.  I basically wrote how I was really just thrilled to actually have a say. 

     Over the past year and a half of pressing on with Uni work I’ve found it fascinating and enlightening in so many ways; but there are times when you can’t help feel a little frustrated at the way the courses are run.  Sometimes it’s timetable dilemmas, other times it’s the long wait for assignment feedback then the unhelpfulness of the comments; not to mention that at Strathclyde University the faculty of Humanities, Arts and Social Sciences (HASS) has been brutally marginalised and undervalued - that’s for another article but believe me it is in the making.  Remember all the times when you wished you could just scream at your lecturer or tutor because of their complete failure to understand the situations, desires and needs of students?  You put up with it at school, but University can be different.  There’s nothing wrong with challenging work and you get used to the stress of deadlines, but can we at least have some say on important issues like how we’re assessed, what from the classes should take and know that when we have concerns and suggestions someone will listen to us.  Lecturers need to get off the picket line and start interacting with students again.

     So, take note lecturers and University officials across the land: it’s our education – can we have it back please?

      Sigh of relief and air punch, my comments were very well received.  Thank you, lecturer, look what can be accomplished when we work together. 

     This was an example of a lecturer trying to engage with students, but students have to respond because it works both ways.  Call me the sacky-student-suck-up if you want to; but I look at the essay questions before my email, and then look at the amended questions the lecturer posted recently – this sacky student had his say and made a difference.

Speech: Why I should be the Next Features Editor

Hi everyone, my name’s Chris Park and I’ve just finished first year studying journalism and creative writing and english.  I’m going to tell you why you should vote for me to be your features editor next year.

     Nearly two years ago, I visited Strathclyde on an open day to see the campus and discover the Uni.  I’d come to listen to a presentation about why I should take journalism and study here.  But on my visit I was only interested in finding out if the Uni had a student newspaper.  When I picked up the Strathclyde Telegraph for the first time that day I knew this was the opportunity I’d been looking for: to write and work with like-minded people and help produce Strathclyde’s fantastic student paper.

     I never hesitated in signing up on Fresher's Week and since then throughout the year I’ve written countless articles for the Telegraph covering news, features, music and arts.

     But writing for features has always been my favourite.  This is because I’m passionate about writing.  I’ve got my own style and would look forward to bringing this to the features section. 

     I also think I’d make a great features editor because I know the student audience: I know what it means to be a student and I’ve always tried to write articles that students can enjoy and relate to.   For example, in the current issue I have an article published about student finance.

     If I’m elected features editor I’ll continue to make sure that the section is fresh, varied and enjoyed by all students.  Some ideas I have include a specialist section covering current affairs or politics or maybe even a section on science and technology which would appeal to even more people. 

    This year I’ve learned so much.  And I really love Strathclyde Uni.  Writing for the Telegraph has been an absolute highlight and I would feel privileged to start the next year as your features editor.

     My favourite writer, F. Scott Fitzgerald, once said that “action is character”.  I’ll always take the right action to ensure the Strathclyde Telegraph remains exciting, respected and always the best. 

Money and Me: The Love-Hate Relationship Students Know Too Well

I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to put that back because I know for a fact that you can’t afford it.  I’m sorry, but you can’t afford that top you’ve had your eye on, or to go to that new Mexican bistro that’s just opened up in the Union (which is, incidentally, very expensive).  How do I know this?  Well, because you’re a student of course.  I don’t need to tell you that the student lifestyle does not accommodate fiscal responsibility.  In fact, students are infamous for being in a constant state of economic crisis.  You’d even think the EU was run by students who have misinterpreted the continent’s idea of a “union”.  Even with loans, bursaries and student discount we just don’t have money on our side – or in our wallets, or bank accounts.

     One timeless solution is thrift.  For the past few weeks I’ve been implementing rigorous self-austerity measures that are so disenfranchising they would make George Osborne look like a socialist.  My friends hate me because I refuse to do anything that involves spending money – so, I pretty much refuse to do anything at all!  I’ve even adopted phrases like: it’s not “fiscally pragmatic” or “economically rational”.  The trouble is, when you become stingy, it’s almost impossible to stop.  Your mind-set changes: you become anxious and conservative – questioning the affordability of everything and calculating your budget down to the penny.
     If your budget is anything like mine then it could potentially reflect the larger economy.  A brief flurry of affluence usually entails high levels of spending (and thus happiness); quickly followed by a (predictable yet unpredicted) financial crash and consequent penury.  The worst part of it is that I honestly don’t know where the money goes.  I should really start keeping receipts and try to close the monetary vacuum.

     Believe it or not, I am in fact employed.  But wages tend to be spent before they’re earned.  There is a tinge of envy for those who seem to have an infinite flow of cash but don’t appear to have a job; especially when you suspect they have a current account with the Bank of Mummy and Daddy.  Nobody can judge who deserves what and when.  But, in my mind, I take the high ground and remember that every penny earned is worth more than every penny borrowed. 

     Perhaps unlike George Osborne, I am looking forward to the end of my austerity policy.  As soon as I have accumulated sustainable savings I will be able to spend money again.  But this time, I won’t be caught out when the river meets the waterfall.  I think long term money management is in order so I never have to panic about my finances again.  My plan is simple: no more impulse buying, save at least some money, and when buying something I’ll need to ask myself if I actually need it or do I just want it for the sake of it.  That advice isn’t new; it was given to me a long time ago.  I just haven’t had the willpower to follow it.  I believe this is a path us students must take to make it to adulthood. 

     Money is deceitful - it will play tricks on you.  It’s arguably the greatest manipulator of human beings.  No other external force has so much control over our lives: always on our minds, in our pockets, and often dictating how we feel.  But even more so, it can have a direct effect on our actions by deciding what we can or can’t do – our fate is often decided by numbers.  Some people know this and they understand it; they use that knowledge to varying degrees of good or bad, practical or wasteful.  But right now, we don’t really need to worry about money because we never have any to fuss over!